1. My name is Kelsey and in school, the kids would make “Elsie the Cow” jokes.

2. When I was in school, the name Kelsey was unheard of.

3. I’m not big on social settings,

4. or long car trips,

5. or public restrooms.

6. My eyes are blue-green.

7. I always thought that was hazel, but everyone else says that hazel is green-brown.

8. They’re halfway between green and blue.

9. I have no idea what color that is.

10. My sister is soooo dear to me.

11. She’s three years older, and we do not share similar views on important things like politics, religion, books, music, movies, or men.

12. But we both like eBay, chocolate, and shoes, and so we talk on the phone every day.

13. She’s super smart and waaaaay Ivy League.

14. Some would say she is ‘overeducated.’ (I wouldn’t, cause she’s my big sister and I remember what it felt like when she’d pop me on the arm. Ow.)

15. I am a college dropout, a few times over.

16. Am fine with that.

16. I think.

17. She only popped me on the arm a few times.

18. But, ow.

19. My kids are great, as is my husband.

20. Who is hot.

21. I tabulate the caloric values of everything I eat, keeping a running estimate in mind.

22. If we are what we eat, I am 1/3 veggies, 1/3 carbs, and 1/3 plain m&ms.

23. If you’re silly enough to calculate calories and then admit to exreme m&m consumption, you should not make such silliness public.

24. I did not attend a prom.

25. I acted as if it were silly, and as if I were disinterested in such a prom-my thing.

26. Was totally interested, but no one ever asked me and I would never, ever, ever have gone dateless.

27. I have been married for 9 years.

28. Happily, for the last 7.

29. Yes, I have an 11 year old daughter. You do the math.

30. It’s not what you think.

31. I sleep in socks.

32. I write inspirational, ‘chicklit’- style fiction.

33. Would love to be published one day.

34. But would hate all the social scenes that might involve.

35. Dr. Laura Sclessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands was marriage changing.

36. As was Stormie O’Martian’s The Power of a Praying Wife.

37. Finance changing: The One Minute Millionaire, by two guys I can’t remember. One of them is the Chicken Soup guy, and my husband met him a couple of times.

38. Mike’s not home right now, and the book is in the other room, so I’m not going to find out the guy’s name.

39. We always had at least one cat when I was growing up.

40. In our family, if someone asked you to do something, it was a perfectly valid excuse to say, “But I have a cat in my lap.”

41. But only if you really did have a content cat in your lap that should not be disturbed.

42. My husband thinks that is funny. You might not.

43. We have four kids and are through.

44. But the oldest two still think they might one day get a little sister.

45. They won’t.

46. Ever.

47. I’m as close to my mom as I am to my sister, even though she lives in Australia.

48. She visits me at least once a year, more if I have a baby. 49. But I’m through having babies.

50. Even though it means she comes over more often.

51. I lived there with her, for just a few months when I was 15.

52. I behaved myself so badly that I got returned to the United States, and to my father’s custody.

53. That was my evil plan all along.

54. My husband and I both met God for the first time, the same month.

55. It was just six weeks before we met.

56. We married immediately.

57. We were very, very young.

58. And stupid. And broke.

59. And God has done sooo much with us since then and I don’t think I’d call us ‘stupid’ today.

60. God is good.

61. I love to talk to Him when I’m still half asleep, snuggled under the covers.

62. And when I’m driving.

63. He told me years and years ago what my family would look like, once we had kids.

64. He was right (of course). But I misunderstood, and so was surprised by the last one’s arrival.

65. Nice surprise, though.

66. I have a surprisingly high percentage of family members who do not like me.

67. I’m not being hyper-sensitive.

68. They seriously Do Not Like Me.

69. Not even enough to Pretend.

70. Which would be nice.

71. I hate all fruit.

72. Except apples, and then only if they are in pie.

73. Which cannot possibly count.

74. Love veggies.

75. Even ate a parsnip at Thanksgiving.

76. I bet you didn’t eat a parsnip at Thanksgiving.

77. My sister and I have a written list of words that we think should never be used, just because we don’t like them.

78. My contributions to The List include: ‘fig’, ‘utensil’, ‘panties’, ‘vehicle’ when it is pronounced vee-HICK-uhl. Hey we’re Texans, and yeah, you hear it that way sometimes.

79. Her contributions to The List include: penal colony,

80. My mom is an artist, and people love the art in my home.

81. Me too.

82. She did a beautiful pastel of a European type garden. Lots of clipped, shaped hedges.

83. Those are my favorite. Love formal gardens.

84. I don’t like it when my husband exhales on me – even small innocent sleep exhaling because he’s right next to me.

85. I am not a plant and I do not need his carbon dioxide.

86. My nickname when I was a baby was Grumperini.

87. It followed me into childhood for reasons I cannot fathom. 88. I can’t clap on-beat.

89. I can’t sing.

90. Ok, I can, but it would scare you.

91. My kids ask me politely to stop.

92. My son once told his entire preschool class, the teacher, and all the parents, that I don’t cook.

93. He was very proud of it.

94. He smiled at me with great pride and announced, “My mom just buys food that other people have cooked first!”

95. I wanted to hide.

96. Have since started cooking more.

97. He has started complaining more.

98. Because it tasted better before.

99. Waaaay better before.