« Happy Thanksgiving! | Main | Shoes and the Mob »
The Mafia is Lovely, Have You Heard?
Holy Mama! has moved to holymama.org, please update your links and feeds.  Thank you!

the previous post has been up for only a couple of hours, i think, but i feel like a fraud. it's a nice enough picture, but not really me. not right now anyway.

i am not smiling, half hidden behind my sweet husband. that was six weeks ago, and look! straightened hair and everything!  nuh no.

don't get me wrong. i am one of the very most ever blessed women on the planet, and please don't let this post confuse anyone into thinking i've forgotten that. never.

but it's just not a good day in the pumpkin patch, and i'd hate to mislead anyone who might for some strange reason, like, care.  y'all are funny that way.

the real deal:

the postpartum depression thing might just be Full Blown Scary Not SO PostParpartum Becuase Hello? Your Baby Is One Now, Depression. And that's ok. really. what's the difference? one rolls off the tongue and keyboard a little easier, but both varieties faceplant me into the carpet more often than i really enjoy. it's not everyday. more like every third or fourth day. and generally only part of that day. (yeah, mom and family. that's why i haven't been returning calls.)

what i have found to be helpful:

exercise and prayer - together

walking the dog

shopping, friends, shoes

scrapbooking sometimes. not always.

getting out of the house FIRST thing in the morning

structure to the day


diet coke

holding a sleeping baby

what does not help:

telling myself i stink for not being able to shake this

telling myself i stink because i haven't dragged myself to the shower (denial would be more helpful here)

lots and lots of contact and therapy with my oldest kid. (who despises me)

walking the dog and having to jump out of his way to avoid being peed upon. (he was frantically 'marking' the path)

a random list since i've lost my train of thought regarding helps and not helps: (i do not pretend to be eloquent, no matter what kind of day it's been.)

1. on the way to New Mexico a few days ago, mike manages to casually (yes, CASUALLY) mention that he once hunted with a Crime Boss. A crime boss...? i ask. I get bad dreams from watching any sort of drama, suspense anything, mystery etc. or reading them. so i don't. therefore i do not get the lingo. he clarified that yes, he meant a MAFIA CRIME BOSS and he was a 'really nice guy'.

2. i freaked out for at least 10 miles, then fumed for the next 90 miles.

3. then i got hungry and forgot for a little while.

4. mike is a financial advisor/insurance dude/radio host sorta guy. NOT a 'go hang out with the mafia and forget to tell his wife for a couple of years' sort.

5. or so i thought.

6. oh, gah.

7. he's probably a spy.

8. i'm married to a spy, i just know it.

9. i dont' think that guy was probably as nice as mike said he was. do you?

10. well, maybe. i mean, mike's nice.

11. and mike's probably a spy.

12. gah.

this is the real me. no happy smiles in a pumpkin patch. just good old paranoia, depression, and a little silliness to take the edge off.

TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The Mafia is Lovely, Have You Heard?:

Your Comments

I think most women, the honest ones anyway, get depression. (The mafia stuff's another story...:-)

Do the helpful things, and run like mad from the stuff that just won't help. You can save all that for better days. Seriously.

Love ya. p.s. Have an extra dollop of whip cream tomorrow, if it'll help. You can always walk it off on Friday (my theory, anyway.)

on Nov 23, 2006 12:14:03 AM
Diane J. Said:

Kelsey, we love the REAL you, no matter what baggage comes with it. We're real people with real problems, too, just like you. Never apologize for being open about your problems. Happily ever after is nice to read about occasionally for escapism, but it ain't real. Give me real over pretense any day. I hope you find a combination of things that works for you. I miss your frequent posts, and I pray you're better soon.

on Nov 23, 2006 1:11:30 AM
Blaine Said:

I COMPLETELY relate to the real you. I smile in the pictures (on the very rare occasion that I let someone take one), but am rarely smiling in real life. I was diagnosed with depression when my 2nd baby was 2. I know I had it for a long time before that. The drugs, exercise, prayer, etc. definitely help. I would say to avoid the things that don't help, but that is not always an option. Recruit Mike to be your ally whenever possible. My husband runs interference for me when I need him too, and it really makes a big difference. For what it's worth, I will be praying for you too, Friend. 8^)

on Nov 23, 2006 1:18:38 AM

Praying for you, HolyMama!

on Nov 23, 2006 9:17:31 AM
Lauren Said:

You know what? I think you can be the woman in the pumpkin patch AND be depressed and paranoid and stressed -- one doesn't cancel out the other, even if one feels bigger/harder than the other.

Or maybe that doesn't make any sense.

Thanks for being honest, here. Also? One of the things that helps me with depression is getting exposure to the sun every. single. time. it's in the sky. Mmmm, sunshine...is it spring yet?

on Nov 23, 2006 9:24:56 AM
Amy Said:

Not sure what to say. I don't have any wonderful advice. It's a yucky place to be.

Sending (((cyber-hugs))) and real live prayers.

on Nov 23, 2006 9:37:48 AM
Linda Said:

I will be praying for you. I know a little of how you are feeling - but just a little. I remember what a helpless feeling it is - sort of standing outside yourself and wondering why. I'm praying the Lord will just cloak you with a mantle of joy.
I pray you will have a good day today. Happy Thanksgiving.

on Nov 23, 2006 10:08:45 AM
momrn2 Said:

Continuing to pray for you and your family.

on Nov 23, 2006 10:11:40 AM
Sandy Said:

And this is why I read you. Everyone smiles and poses for the camera, and that's okay. You don't have to apologize for the fakeness of it. Blogs are a great place to be who you are and let the support roll in.

on Nov 23, 2006 10:27:02 AM
stacey Said:

I can totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard to be a Mom, wife, sister, daughter... the list goes on! I get so stressed out and just plain tired some days! You're not along for sure!!

on Nov 23, 2006 11:29:29 AM
stacey Said:

I meant to say you're not alone. Ooops!

on Nov 23, 2006 11:30:02 AM
Chrissy Said:

I have the sweetest pic of you and the little guy on my camera from dinner that Fri. night in Texas! Straight hair and all :-)

Can we be friends? I mean, seriously. Your list is very, very familiar to me. "Scrapbooking sometimes. Not always."--I cry buckets when I scrapbook, because I'm always a few years behind and I can't go back and I cried then because i knew I'd miss those days in the future and...you get the picture?

{{{{{}}}}}, Chrissy

on Nov 23, 2006 11:59:21 AM

I don't know exactly what to say, except to say that I understand, at least a little, having spent a fair amount of time face-planted in the carpet myself. Praying for you, friend.

on Nov 23, 2006 4:17:57 PM
chilihead Said:

Girl, I'll take you any way you are, and I'd consider myself lucky.

I've been in the faceplant position for many years. Don't be afraid to try a new medication or change the dosage of your current medication (w/ your psychiatrist's help, of course). And don't be afraid to go set up counseling sessions a few times a month either--it's surprising how liberating it is to talk to a stranger about things and not be judged. Ever.

I was diagnosed with "major depression" several years ago. Once we knew what it was and started treating it I've been much happier. I know you can do this too.

on Nov 23, 2006 8:34:55 PM
lu Said:

Thank you for being so human and honest, a beautiful, graceful woman we can all relate to. I am sorry you are in so much pain and pray for your continued and growing strength to cope as you find your way through the tough times. Even though some trials don’t get easier, the experience makes us better at handling them. I pray your daughter will open her heart to acknowledge, accept and return your love.

Kelsey, know the pleasure and comfort you and all who post here bring to all who read your postings. I look forward to checking in at HM and your links to the many other beautiful souls I have found here; the sense of community you have developed always brings a smile.

God bless you and your beautiful family. I am thankful for the opportunity you have created to connect to a kindred community. We are all in this together. Chin up and out of that carpet, girlfriend!

on Nov 23, 2006 9:15:45 PM
Geekwif Said:

Of course we care! How can we help caring. You are so sweet and make us love you and love to come back and visit you. You are one of those rare people who can be honest about her sad times without begging for pity.

I'm glad you are honest about how you're feeling. And it doesn't matter what the name of it is, you've been through a lot, you need the prayers of your friends, and we're here to give them.

So go, workout and pray, scrapbook, shoe shop, make a calendar, and squeeze that baby tight. We'll be here waiting for your next update, and I'll be praying that your heart will be healed and your family will soon be whole again.

on Nov 23, 2006 11:16:55 PM
Amy Said:

Hmmmmm...postpartum depression or just regular, harder to say, longer lasting depression...doesn't matter; they both suck and feel very similar sometimes. I'm sorry. I've been there and on the other side and I'm looking back right now. Keep doing what you know helps...there is light on the other side.

on Nov 25, 2006 5:47:30 AM
Jenn Said:

I understand what you're going through, I was diagnosed with post-partum after my daughter was six months old. It's hard, it's not easy, but there ARE women who understand. I'll be thinking of you!!

on Nov 25, 2006 9:18:13 AM

Like everyone has said, I completely relate to where you are coming from. Depression isn't a choice you make, happy moments or less than sincere smiles for the camera do not make you a fake. Hang in there. I always hang on to what my mom always said -- "This too shall pass." She fought depression for years. We all do at some point. We just have to keep trying until the good moments come again -- maybe because we know low we can truly enjoy the high points?

on Nov 25, 2006 1:18:23 PM
Kilikina Said:

I don't knwo what to say, but I DO agree with someone up there. We love and accept you for who you are....no matter what...

on Nov 26, 2006 12:53:29 AM
mcewen Said:

Shoes - always a tricky one in America mainly because they have those offers - buy one pair and get the second at half price. so difficult to resist. Beats the pants of the UK system - collect vouchers for 100 years and get 25 pence off if you're lucky and there's and R in the month.
Best wishes

on Nov 30, 2006 8:28:51 AM