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The Church with the T Rex
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( Following up on [this post],  today. )

While Mike drove us to church, I frantically tried to get white cat hair off my black wool coat, using the sticky side of the clear packing tape i'd brought just for this purpose. We arrive 4 minutes late.

The church meets in a children's science museum, which is closed on Sunday mornings - now you see why they have a building project and are eager to sell us land so we can help finance said building project? Since we're late, and I am NERVOUS, we duck straight into the service, and I lead us to the back rows on the far side where there are lots of empty seats. Perfect.

Until ten minutes later I realize that in this room of 300 people - we are the only ones with children. It's 296 adults, and our 4 children, 2 of whom are playing tug of war with a Bible, and that's NOT the impression we're going for, thank you very much, and 1 of the kids is trying to decide if he's hungry. That's Seth-4mth, of course, and that would be my fault entirely since I am his sole food source and it's been a couple of hours.

I ask Mike if he wants me to find the other children and take ours to join them, and the answer is no. Then he almost immediately changes his mind, and I do not even want to know what one of our kids did to make him look at me and say "YES. NOW. THAT WOULD BE GOOD."

So I take Ethan-5yr and Caden-2yr by the hands, and we shimmy past two people - politely and apologetically. I find the other kids, and after filling out 2 part, carbon copy style paperwork, I can leave Caden-2yr with his class. He's happy.

1 down, 1 to go. I fill out 2 part, carbon copy style paperwork (isn't that a little over the top?) for Ethan-5yr and a nice man tries to show me where the five year olds meet. Remember, we're in a children's science museum. We go to two wrong classrooms, downstairs, and Ethan-5yr is thrilled to be able to see the Tyrannosaurus Rex in near darkness, not roaring, as it is his day off. We pass by lots of displays and exhibits Ethan-5yr really wants to go explore, but we press on.

I'm wearing The Wrong Shoes. We do not find the class. The nice man apologizes, and we go back upstairs so he can ask directions. He's gone awhile and Ethan-5yr and I look at another dinosaur exhibit while we wait. We follow the nice man baaaack downstairs, past the Tyrannosaurus Rex who is not roaring as it is still his day off, and eventually find the missing 5 yr old class. Ethan-5yr is ecstatic, and off he goes.

I find my way all the way back to the room with the adults, shimmy past two people - politely and apologetically - and sit next to Mike. I am so painfully aware of how I am wearing The Wrong Shoes.

Seth-4mth is happy to see me, having made up his mind that yes, he's hungry. I hear the pastor say something about turning to John, chapter 6. I take Seth-4mth, shimmy past the two people - politely and apologetically, and realize the only place to nurse - besides next to the T Rex on his day off - is the bathroom.

I go in, and there are a row of bright purple stalls. Although it's empty, it smells like Poo. A LOT of poo. Like, maybe a dinosaur amount of poo or something.

I adapt to my new surroundings like a pro and switch to mouth-breathing only, scouting for a place to nurse. I find none. I go in the handicapped stall, as it is the roomiest, and nurse while leaning on the wall. Then I notice a poo shmear on the opposite wall, and quickly straighten. (I don't even want to know how that got there.)  I'm wearing The Wrong Shoes for this, but I end up nursing while SQUATTING. Seth-4mth didn't have the patience to wait while I spread toilet paper on the seat, so that option was out. Nursing while squatting for 15 minutes? Not good.

Back aching, I go back to the room where the adults were, and shimmied past the two people. Not politely, not apologetically, because I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT anymore, and sit down. Seth-4mth burps loudly. I think that's my favorite part of the entire morning.

The pastor seems to wrap up the sermon I didn't hear, then spends 20 minutes going over the vision of the new building project, complete with color brochures explaining 'phases.' It comes with a DVD and an envelope for giving to the project.

He mentions that the nice people who are buying the land (that's us) were invited to be here and he hasn't seen them, but he wants them to come in a couple of weeks and he hopes to introduce them then. GAAAH.

We have to do it AGAIN.

Really by that point, I just wanted to RUN to The Front and say, "Here we are! I'm Kelsey. This is Mike. He's the one with all the bucks buying your land and helping you meet your 'phase 1' goals. Praise God and hallelujah to heaven for y'all getting a place where you don't need hiking boots to take a five year old to class. There's a need in the Kingdom! Can I get an amen? So let's give generously RIGHT NOW so that the church can have kids ministry in the same zip code as the adults ministry, and maybe even some air freshener for that bathroom. Now who will give to this need, because I'm all for it?!"

And every mother in The Wrong Shoes would have been with me. No DVD or full color brochure required.

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Tracked on Aug 12, 2006 11:41:06 AM



Your Comments

Heather Said:

Oh my goodness, Kelsey! This post brought back such vivid memories of nursing all five of my babies in public restrooms. Yuk. I've never been the type to feel comfortable doing that in mixed company(unless it's family.) Something about the noise embarrasses me!)

Why is it that Sundays can be the most stressful day of the week for moms? Where's the rest in Sabbath? Glad you hung in there -- though you've gotten me curious about The Wrong Shoes. Thanks for sharing! :)

on Feb 26, 2006 3:55:21 PM
Jeana Said:

Kelsey, this was you writing at your best! So funny, I was so "there with you" and love the way you keep reffering back to stuff (not politely, not apologetically cracked me up!) So sorry about your morning! But glad to hear how it went, I was wondering!

on Feb 26, 2006 4:56:36 PM
Stephanie Said:

I too felt like I was right there with you. Great writing!! It is so true that by the time you get yourself and your children ready for church it is no longer a peacefull situation. My girls always manage to pull out the wonderful things that I ahd put in their hair 5 minutes before we leave..Arghh. At least you didn't have to get up agian and walk up in front of everyone with aching feet(I'm curious about the shoes too:)

on Feb 26, 2006 5:04:54 PM
Geekwif Said:

I'm sorry it was a stressful morning for you. Just think though; next time you'll know what to expect! No surprises is a good thing, right? Okay, maybe I'm stretching a bit.

So, I'm really curious about the shoes too, because the most painful shoes are always the cutest ones. Can we get a picture? Really. I can't wear cute shoes because I have these weird wide fat feet that look horrible in anything that doesn't entirely enclose my foot up to the calf. I have no choice. I must live vicariously through other women who can wear cute shoes!

That last paragraph had me snorting laughing! "There's a need in the Kingdom! Can I get an amen?" You are just too much!

on Feb 26, 2006 7:38:42 PM
Carrie Said:

Oh my Kelsey, you out-did yourself with this one. Very funny!

Can't you just let your husband go back by himself? I say that hesitantly as I'd rather you go so we can get another good story out of it.

on Feb 26, 2006 9:08:07 PM
Carol Said:

Not to mention the need for a room in which to nurse that has the sermon piped into speakers so you can at least hear the message which is the point behind church anyway, right?

ew. poo.

on Feb 26, 2006 9:14:50 PM
Theresa Said:

Holy Cow, Holy Mama! You don't know me but I just linked to your site for the first time from (Addie's) and you are an awesome writer!! I was laughing hysterically at your post - it's all too familiar. I just read it out loud to my husband...then he asked me to send me your link to his email. After reading that, I'll be stopping by to visit if you don't mind. I loved the last paragraph too...can I get an Amen? LOL

on Feb 26, 2006 10:29:49 PM
Heth Said:

Hilarious! Show us the shoes.

on Feb 27, 2006 9:42:56 AM
Karin Said:

You ARE hilarious!!!!! I'll give you the Sean Connery one. Much cuter in his younger days, but still a handsome man. :)

on Feb 27, 2006 9:59:45 AM
Corina Bowen Said:

Omgosh! Bright side..... when you have to go back, you will be a pro! Filling out the 2 part cards & scooting kids into appropriate rooms without missing a step in hopefully more comfortable shoes! :-) looking forward to your next adventure! hehe

on Feb 27, 2006 1:08:58 PM
MusicalMom Said:

ROFL! I can honestly say I've never been there, but boy have I had similar experiences! I prefer to nurse in the car when I'm out in public. At least I know it's mostly clean and mostly private. Oh, hang in there! *still chuckling*

on Feb 27, 2006 1:38:35 PM

This is soooo funny. Poo smear and all!!! You write wonderfully. I will be back for more. I can not stop laughing.

on Feb 27, 2006 2:20:19 PM
Addie Said:

That sounds brutal. I'm not saying that I would prefer the exploding poo, but to have to go back again after all that! Aarggh!

Yet, so entertaining for us to read! ;-)

on Feb 27, 2006 2:40:04 PM
emlouisa Said:

Bwahahaha! The joys of church with kids. We have a Mother's Lounge in our church (jealous?) and yesterday I took my youngest in there to nurse. Then a woman came in to change her 3 year old's poopy diaper. All fine and dandy except that the room is small, there is no ventilation and I am nursing my child about 2 feet from the butt wiping. I tried to hold my breath but that wasn't very effective. She then left the room, leaving the unpleasant odor behind her for the rest of us to enjoy. Gotta love it.

on Feb 27, 2006 3:00:16 PM
Emily Said:

Oh (((Kelsey)))....poor you, I can wholly identify. And you can't even breathe a sigh of relief that it's over and done with forever and ever. Hint: next time, get there too early and introduce yourselves to the pastor! ;^D

on Feb 27, 2006 4:40:41 PM
kate Said:

OOOOOO - poor you! Squatting while nursing? Ugh. The wrong shoes - double ugh!
So So funny though! (ok the way you wrote about it!).

on Feb 27, 2006 5:39:31 PM
Nicki Said:

Oh my! That was quite a morning! Please, forgive me for laughing through the entire read. :)

on Feb 27, 2006 9:35:51 PM

Hi Kelsey--This was too funny! I hate visiting other churches when we have kids with us--just like you described, I spend my whole time finding kids' classrooms.

I'd have just gone to the back row to nurse, I think, especially if I was wearing The Wrong Shoes. I have a pair too.

on Feb 27, 2006 11:47:42 PM
Robin Said:

This is my first time visiting you and I really enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for making me smile! I'll be back to read more. Post a photo of the shoes that were not the right ones to be wearing that day! (I found you through Randi's site I Have to Say.)

on Feb 28, 2006 7:20:16 AM
Jlo Said:

Holy Mama, check out this reference link to your post.

http://blog.fellowshiptech.com/2006/04/is_this_your_ch.html

Fellowship Tech provides church management solutions (including electronic children's checkin solutions) and was the management software originally developed for and by Fellowship Church (www.fellowshipchurch.com) in Grapevine, TX.

I passed your story on to Ftech's CEO (Jeff Hook - jhook@fellowshiptech.com) as your experience is certainly relevant for most of today's churches trying to deliver a good first impression.

on Apr 7, 2006 3:01:32 PM