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Just for Jeff
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For Jeff, 

in Naperville,

Who Is Really Getting on my Nerves And You Better STOPITRIGHTNOW:

When you started leaving comments on various (old) posts, they didn't make much sense to me.  I figured you were a spammer, and deleted them.  Now I realize that wasn't your intention at all - but I like your true intentions even less, and  i have lost all patience with you.

You never noticed the 'email me' link, and resorted to leaving many, many comments. I get that.  I'm actually glad of that and have no desire to be emailing you either. I'm abandoning the "ignore the weird man" policy I usually stick to since you don't fit into the usual 'blogcrush' molds. I think convincing is the best way to go with you. And since you peppered this entire website with your totally unwelcome (yet sadly sincere) comments, I will respond publicly as well:

In short, NO.  I AM NOT HER.  I happen to have one of those very common faces and people frequently mistake me for someone they know.  My mother says I get that from her.

So. It wasn't me.  I've never been to Naperville. The closest I came was Chicago once, a long time ago, and I wasn't at a bar. 

The romance writer in me thoroughly appreciates your adoration of this woman. You are so into her that you can't believe you didn't get her name and number.  I can't either, since apparently you got so very much more. Your descriptions of her, I notice, are purely... physical.  And written in terms that are perhaps intended to sound flattering, but really aren't. 

The mother in me is appalled.  Yes, Jeff, I am a married mother of FOUR, and that is yet another reason you can safely believe me when i say it was NOT ME.  (not to mention, I do not resemble those physical descriptions and that's all I'm going to say about that.) I encourage you, in the future, to 1) ask the girl her name 2) remember it 3) get to know her 4) decide you like her 5) remind yourself of her name frequently, 6) THEN move on to further courtship practices. 

If you'd followed this basic formula, you would not be in this predicament. Your formula, I gather, was more like 1) see girl 2) have sex 3) one week later realize she was great and you have no idea who she was and then frantically google search for her, find someone and then bother that lady, just in case it's her.

And I KNOW. I checked, and you really did find me by googling 'blue green eyes plain m&ms hot panties.' How disturbing that I came up as #1 on that particular search.  How much more disturbing that you can sleep with a girl, only know those three things about her, and think Google will know her name!

Anyway, I gave up m&ms and almost all chocolate and never updated that page. yet another reason, Jeff, I'M NOT HER.

You were right when you noticed that I was not writing on this site around the dates that you and she - not me - were in Naperville.  There are a thousand possible reasons for that.  I might have been out of town. NOT IN NAPERVILLE. I might have just not felt like blogging (that has happened a lot lately for reasons that have nothing to do with you). Maybe I was busy.

If you saw the photo on this post and got excited about finding her, then i can safely assure you: she was probably as drunk as you were and has no memory of your name either. 

Move on, Jeff. Like I said, there are countless women with  faces like mine. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to sort through us all. Just go meet someone nice, and ask her name. Maybe write it down. Take it slow.  Have fun.  (Not too much fun.)

I wish you well, but don't come back here, okay?

Signed,

- Not her, ever in a million years, and I'm never going to Naperville

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Your Comments

Ellen Said:

Naperville has a really nice quilt shop...were you there???? (sorry...couldn't resist) ;-)

on Sep 9, 2007 4:10:38 PM

Ew.

on Sep 9, 2007 6:57:56 PM
Heather Said:

ROFL! Ever been ti Mississippi? You look so familiar! ;)

on Sep 9, 2007 9:09:52 PM

Ew, Jeff. Just ew. Go away and don't come back. Blech.

on Sep 10, 2007 8:32:26 AM

You gave up almost all chocolate???

on Sep 10, 2007 2:11:31 PM
La La Said:

That's terrible. I hope he leaves you alone.

on Sep 10, 2007 8:11:48 PM
Jill Said:

At least you got a good blog post out of the deal

on Sep 10, 2007 8:14:04 PM
Karla Said:

ROFL! Hey that picture reminds me of some woman I met in NM~4 kids~hates to cook~has a nice husband~thought I was cool...

Was that YOU? just kidding

on Sep 10, 2007 11:55:43 PM