Or my new motto:
"I can make a bigger butt of myself by 10 am, than most of the rest of you can in a full day.."
Step 1:
Forget you're not like Most Women, and cannot stand the idea of a pedicure or manicure. Then, book a manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax. (no, didn't happen before we left town last week, although Mike said it was fine.)
Step 2:
Pick a weird place. The salon had a mural of the Hollywood hills on the wall. (I live in West Texas) In the corner of the salon sat a big screen tv showing JAG. The woman who did my nails had an unnerving talent for doing her job well, without ever taking her eyes off Commander Rabb.
Step 3:
Forget you're ticklish and hate strangers touching you. When the lady touches your feet, giggle, squeal, gasp, or otherwise have a Royal Freak Out. Every. Single. Time. She. Touches. Your. Feet. And yes, the people in the salon were amused, horrified, embarrassed FOR me, annoyed, etc. A wide array of reactions to my Royal Freak Outages were present. And it did not matter one whit because I could not control it at all. Making a moron of myself is not something I set out to do, it just happens so EASILY. If I could help it, y'all, I would. Really.
Step 4:
Forget you've been trying to avoid stress due to TMJ, and try to have Royal Freak Outages without grinding teeth together or clenching jaw, because that will make TMJ worse. Instead, carefully hold tongue between teeth to keep them from touching in an excruciating manner.
Step 5:
When the lady who cannot take her eyes from the handsome Commander Rabb puts the toe separator (or Torture Device in Green Foam) in between your toes, have the Mother of All Royal Freak Outs, because holy crap that tickles, and! FOOT! CRAMP! OW. Jump out of chair, bite tongue until blood spurts out of mouth, and try to 'walk it off' without slipping because your feet are wet, you're spurting blood, trying not to clench your teeth or cause anyone else in the room more amusement/embarrassment/annoyance than you already have. In short, make a big, big, bloody, hopping, fool of yourself.
Step 6:
Sit down and try to regain composure throughout the manicure and eyebrow waxing portions ahead.
Step 7:
Fail.
I love a good simple, painful eyebrow wax. But this ticklish manicure/pedicure crap is awful. And hands are ticklish too.
Step 8:
Get out of there as soon as possible, leave big tip, and vow to never ever repeat these steps again.
Stay tuned for Part II of How to Be a Moron.
Yes. There is a Part II. It happened yesterday, and involved Random Boob Flashing. I'd tell you about it now, but my jaw is tensing up at the thought of it. Gah.
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Your Comments
Hey there! Was just checking out a blog and saw the link to yours - couldn't resist the name ! And loved the post!! Your first line sure grabbed me, because I thought I was the only person who could be a bigger moron than most, before 10 am. ! So..now I don't feel so alone in the world.. I'll be dropping back again!
Uh, this would be funny if I weren't plagued with this annoying EMPATHY! Take it from me, just because the glamorous ladies all have pedicures doesn't mean you can't look just as good if you just paint your toenails yourself. (Nobody should be looking at them that closely anyway.)
The trick? Out The Door. It's available at beauty supply places and you just put it on over your polish (get a polish that can go on in one coat). Toenails look shiny and freshly polished for weeks, and in minutes!
Too funny! And so true!~ And people call this relaxing! At least the salon wasn't called, "Curl up and Dye!" This is the name of a real salon in a very small town in Texas....the salon is right next to a Curio shop called, "The Madd Cow!"--which of course is right next door to "Smith's General Store." We visit this small town several times a year...and have not once ventured into the salon. I'm not sure they do pedicure's...and I ain't askin!
Thanks for the smiles today (as always!)
Diane
Now, Kelsey -- really -- you MUST stop using my own life experiences as your own, dear... I'm sure you have better things to do with your time than to spy on me while I'm getting a pedicure... I mean ... isn't the plane ticket getting expensive?
Seriously -- this.is.me.all.over.
Yes.
It is.
I'll prove to you just how ticklish I am in October, 'kay?
I have never done a pedicure for those reasons. I'm afraid I would freak out. Just the thought of somebody touching my feet is freaking me out. Not necessarily because I'm ticklish, but because, well, they would be touching my feet! EEWWWW
Ok, now honestly, was blood really spurting?? Have you checked to make sure you still have the end of your tongue? :-)
Hahaha! This was so funny! Thanks for sharing.
I also have very ticklish feet... pedicures are NOT RELAXING. Everyone worries that I will kick them in their face, and sometimes just give up scrubbing my feet... which bums me out, b/c I'm paying them to scrub my feet! But no one wants to put their face at risk, which I completely understand. :-)
I absolutely relate! Thanks for the belly laugh! That was "pee your pants" funny because I have SO been there too! Those toe seperaters ARE pure torture. Manicures look great -- but that nail file sends chills up my spine!
I'm overly sensative too. I do my own toes now -- if you polish with a medium dark color everyone will think it was done by a professional. As for files, forget it. Clippers rock and my nails no longer fray...
(By the way, I'm usually a Moron before 8am, so don't feel bad!)
You know..
You don't have to not get a pedi again..just go to a new place each time..LOL
I like to be silent during a pedicure. Is that weird? I used to get acrylic nails done...I'd chat up a storm during the nails..but feet..I like to be silent and pretend I am somewhere else.
I always imagine she is thinking the worst things about my yucky feet. WHich is crazy because I don't have yucky feet...well no more than other women's yucky feet. There's just something bout those feet.
Wet-your-pants-funny account of the manicure slash pedicure torture. I adore the final product but would really enjoy a sedative to get there! I also HATE having to make small talk while someone is grinding my nails. And why do they get to wear a little mask and I have to breath germs?!?
Ah, thanks for the thought-provoking questions. . .