I've been thinking for awhile now that I should write about what it has been like, since taking Kim-12 yr to her new home away from home. (She'll be there for about 18 months, getting treatment for Attachment Disorder.)
So, how has the last month been? In all honesty, it's been great. Yes, there's life, and it is better than I dared hope. I miss her. Who she was a few years ago, anyway. Who she was before the last two and a half years of hell. And sometimes it's hard to remember that person, to be honest. I look forward to meeting her again, and I know I will one day in another year or so.
In the meantime, each day there are new things to appreciate and enjoy. Each day a small part of me comes back to life that I had long since assumed was dead and gone. I'd more than forgotten who I was - I'd figured I was someone else entirely. I thought I was someone who hated social stuff, hated fun, was constantly battling depression and was someone not inherently likeable. And I was actually ok with all of that.
Turns out all of that was just byproducts of years of stress brought about by a situation. Not me at all. It's kind of fun to figure out who I really am again. I know, I know - most people do that at 13 and 14 and it IS NOT fun. Well, without the raging hormones, and an adult perspective? It's FUN!
This new version of our family changes every single day. We're all loosening up - learning how to be ourselves without this constant stress of how to be safe, how to manage her latest impending blowup, how to talk about her normally, how to tell people where she is, how to enjoy life. How to live life without walking on eggshells. How to sleep without nightmares about what she's wanting to do or has already done.
Turns out that without the emotional and mental drain of dealing with her issues and their symptoms, we all have time and energy and patience to pour into so many other areas. How nice!
I guess we're all recovering and healing from the last years. Every day there were blow ups, manipulations, stealing to deal with, violent thoughts, actions, words or threats to deal with and survive. Without even noticing, our family had slipped into Survival Mode, and gotten comfortable. Accepting it as our lot in life, and counting it a successful day if we were just still standing and not broken down completely when everyone was safely in bed for the night. Or hoping they were safe in bed, rather.
So, if you've been wondering, we're great. REALLY great. And trying not to feel guilty for it, and usually succeeding now. We're busy collecting new hobbies and hangouts and friends that we never had the time or energy for before. Can't wait to tell y'all all about them!
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Your Comments
look youa re the perfect parent, despite th ehardship you cause to yourself, ie people critisizing your decision, you did the right thing, you did what had to be done to help your child and the others at home, not to mention the added boinus of helping yourself!
parents have to do what is best for the child, and each child is different! it seems that you are bothi willing to do right by your daughter and in the end i am sure she will thank you for it!
way to go !
A++ in parenting
You have no idea how great it is to hear this. You've been in my prayers for...months now. I'm going to let it go for now until you tell me to put you back on my list. Meanwhile, I thought you had this blogging hobby. And don't forget about your writing. I'm waiting to hear how things are going in that department. And did you ever re-hook up with the playgroup ladies? Bought any new shoes lately? Coming to DFW in Oct? Gonna get back to your regular bloggy self now?
Your courage continues to blow me away. I know, I know...it probably doesn't feel courageous on your end, but just your honest...well, it's courageous in my book. I'm so happy to hear this good news and I'm praying for your daughter. And I echo all of Carol's questions above, mainly, ARE YOU COMING TO DFW IN OCTOBER? You have to!
I am glad to hear an update-- and listening with more than just a casual interest, as we have a 13yr. old daughter (adopted at 9, foster kid) with what I am SURE is attachment disorder, though not officially diagnosed.
Though she does not seem to exhibit the violent behavior (anymore!) yours has, there are still all the other issues (lying, stealing,etc) that all the good intentions on our part (including prayer, therapy, and "love") have not been able to resolve. I hope you'll be able to use this time to breathe again, and experience grace, and not guilt. Blessings!
Oh, that is so wonderful....for your family to experience normalcy again. =) I'll bet the boys are so wonderfully blessed because of it. It's so hard to deal with adolescent problems...big or small (and I can't imagine this huge one you've been dealing with!). You've done the right thing in getting her the help she needs. I'll be praying that she recovers from the violence and anger and can enjoy life and her family again...and know God's love in her life.
Updates are great...they remind people to pray pray pray!
Christie
Kelsey,
Thanks for the update. And thank you for sharing so personally--the layers of stress that shape our daily lives....when we love a child with disorders. For those of us who have a child in similar circumstances....it strengthen's our stamina to know that someone else has walked in our footsteps. For those who do not have children with these struggles...it opens up their hearts and builds compassion. Unveiling the mask of pain is powerful. I am so glad you and your family are having this opportunity while your daughter is in a safe place....to heal, to be strengthened, and to find well-being so you can welcome her home with open/healthy/ arms and hearts! God Bless!
Diane
Wow what an amazing feeling for you and your family. Is she doing better too?
I get the stress of it all and I remember being free of it. I was a sibling to something similar but different. The stress and fear where the same I am sure. I remember making friends with guys that were amazingly tough in high school, so I would be less afraid at home of my step brother.
You are so strong to do this for your family. My step mom couldn't do it and the step brother has been in trouble and in jail, the list could go on. Plus she lost my Dad, her home and everything else she loved because she could not send him away to get him help. He is almost 30 now and still lives with her last I heard....
Hi! I'm new to your blog, but wanted to write. We are going through a similar experience - my 8 yos has been called everything from Bipolar to Inflexible Explosive, as well as strings of letters- ODD, AD, ASD, OCD...
He's still here but on a medication that is actually working - and all of the sudden I have this wonderful little boy!
And his brothers aren't scared of him.
And I can take him shopping with me, to a movie, let him go to a friend's house!
We are a normal family instead of shut-ins now. It's like you said, getting a whole new life! A whole new "you". Congrats and hope it goes well.
Oh Kelsey, this really is an answer to prayers. I know you miss your girl, but it is nice to have a new lease on your own life. Doesn't mean you love her any less - just that new priorities are being defined, developed and explored.
And I, for one, can't wait to hear all about the new hobbies, hangout and friends.
Praising God again for His hand in all of this change,
Shalee