This week the Word of God came ALIVE for me, thanks in part to this Bible Study! It was one of those times where God spoke so specifically about the circumstances in my life - through this study - and I was left mulling over His message for me for days.
Don't you just love it when He does that?! Oh, our God is such a personal God! I pray that He meets you exactly - specifically - where you are as well, and takes your breath away, too. I pray that you let Him!
There are instances where kids are lovingly placed for adoption, and lovingly adopted. Lovingly adopted because the parents WANT and LOVE the child, and will go through whatever is necessary to have that child in their lives. The hassle, the expense, the legal struggles, the waiting... all of those pale in comparison to the joy of that special day when the child is truly adopted, and a family is formed. (Do you remember that the Word says WE are all adopted? That's how highly God thinks of adoption!) This is a joy I've experienced personally, although I haven't said so here before. I have four kids, one of them I adopted at a young age, and three I didn't. Mike is the biological dad of all four.
(For those of you who secretly wonder if there is a 'difference' in a mom's love - no. There's not, but I don't blame you for wondering)
There are also instances where sometimes those kids grow up a little and feel that maybe God had it wrong. That maybe the biological parents would be the absolute best, and this current life is really second best, instead of His best for them. The child's perceived rejection, the feelings of abandonment, isolation, and resentment can grow. They have. My child's heart has particularly hardened against me, as she feels that if I were not here, her life would be better. She has rejected me in every way she knows how, and she fantasizes of even more extreme ways to act out her feelings against me.
I love this child dearly. It's hard to show it. It's hard to be in the same room with her a lot of times. She's hostile and looking to attack in any way she thinks she can. She's a wonderful child, with serious issues.
Maybe this isn't making any sense at all. Here is what I'm talking about.
I tell you all this - although I'd decided at first not to - because I want to share with you how God ministered to me so personally this week. It cannot be done otherwise, and so I put this all out there. Should you think I'm an awful parent, that's ok. Leave it in the comments if you wish, just try to be tactful about it.
I have lived so fully under the false belief that my love has somehow failed my child. If only I could be more this, or more that, or just DO MORE... all would be well. The reality is I've done all I can. I've loved, I've prayed, and cried and disciplined and sought help from professionals. It hasn't been enough and it was NEVER going to be enough. We've only just now discovered that yes, God does have a plan for how our daughter will be restored, and we finally understand it a little more.
I'm empty, drained, stressed, and numb from the chaos this has created in our family. This is the closest we've come to just not making it. I used to think we had it made, since 'divorce just isn't an option' for us. And it wasn't. Until life got so complicated, that out of sheer self preservation, I started to wonder about it. I had never before thought that anything would be able to so swiftly threaten our marriage - certainly nothing from within our own family - and yet it has. Mightily.
This week, God reminded me that love never fails. Seems simple, huh? But why, if it's so simple, was I convinced that my love for my daughter had failed? For years I've thought this, and been weighed down by the guilt of it. My dirty secret.
But this week He lovingly pointed out that my love did not fail. His love did not fail. My daughter's love? It didn't fail. I've loved all I possibly can, and you know what? So has my kid, in the ways that she can right now.
I sat, amazed, as Beth Moore described the exact scenario in our home, where an adopted child has the issues I mentioned above. What were the odds of that? Are there any 'odds?' No, it was just God, giving me exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I'm so numb to life right now, I don't really 'get' subtlety. So God didn't give me subtle - He gave me my whole life as an example in this week's study, just so I wouldn't miss His point.
I'm still thinking on it. I wish I had more to say that might mean something to someone else. The truth is I'm just not there yet, and I'm still awed by the personal, intimate, loving way in which He looks out for me. Also, some of the things I'm thinking about and praying about I just want to keep close a little longer, and not share just yet. And another thing. If I waited until I thought this was ready for some "Yea, This Post is Holy" status, well, I'd just never get there.
What I hope you get out of this (if you're still with me!) is that God is a loving, personal God who cares about the details of your life more than you can imagine. Let Him show you. Let Him take your breath away with His unfailing love.
This is a list of the women participating in the study and the links to their blogs. New postings on the study will be published weekly, between Friday 8pm - Saturday 8am. Please feel free to visit each of us and comment. Everyone is welcome to participate in this discussion as we seek to live beyond ourselves. May God bless you richly from the hearing of His word.